My Baby Boy

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He is growing up, talking fast, actively enjoys playing with anything and everything. He has a creative mind, likes to make up stories but when you look at him he just smiles and make your life worthwhile. Sometimes when you don’t pay attention to him, he just suddenly gives you a kiss and hugs you which make you want to just hug him forever. He may make my life busier, a little crazier and chaotic but I would give up anything just to see him smile. I will always treasure his growing up phase because it will not last forever. I love you my baby boy.

My Thoughts on Motherhood

 

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Motherhood will never be easy, there are chores to finish, there’s a child to take care of and there’s a husband you need to give attention to. There are so many roles a mother should have – caregiver, nurse, accountant, teacher, cook, cleaner, psychologist, manager, assistant and it will never end there. However, despite these overwhelming tasks everything seems to be simple and joyful when you see your child smile, hugs you, cuddle you or says, “I love you Mom!” and when you have a husband who is always there for you to support and understand you despite your imperfections and idiosyncrasies.

I’ll never regret being a mother and it will always be something I’m proud and thankful for, it’s a blessing even when there are times I feel it’s a curse. I thank my God for giving me this chance to bring a life into this world and sharing this miracle he bestowed upon us.

12 Angry Men – the Movie: What I Think About It

This movie even though almost of the scene happened inside a small room, had depicted the different characteristics all of us can relate to.  Although at first when you watch the film you might think that it is boring, when the film progressed and the discussion and deliberation regarding the murder case of whether the kid is guilty or not, you can see and feel the psychological war happening especially between the only one who voted not guilty and the rest who voted guilty. When I tried to put myself in his shoes and imagined I’m at that small room I can feel the tension and the difficulty that I might face because I might be pressured to change the conviction to agree with others even though someone’s life is at stake.

I admire how the film was able to show the different personalities and characteristics of each juror which showed that their personal experiences, backgrounds, prejudice, ideas might affect their reasoning and their understanding and eventually their decision. We can learn from here that observance is very important when we want to decide on something and our personal experience can affect how we decide. As one of the men said that what presented from the trial may seem that the boy was guilty but there is a need to dig deeper because the lawyer was not able to do that, therefore, it is up to the jury to find out if there is a reasonable doubt that the accused was not guilty. Asking question is very important to know the truth, although the different point of views may have created tension, anger, confusion and frustration in the deliberation, still the movie was able to show that these very differences helped also to come up with solutions, these different point of view and reasons eventually lead to a vote of not guilty.

The movie had excellently showed how the changes happened on the men from being firm on their decision of not guilty to being swayed into voting not guilty because of discussions on the circumstances surrounding the case which was not discussed during the trial probably because the lawyer was nonchalant and just wanted the trial to be finished without regards to the life of the boy, which was probably because he had his own prejudices and thinking that the boy was really guilty. I really loved watching movies that shows the intricacies of human psyche and the dilemma each of us might face in our daily life and this movie said it all. We can also see that although the men here may have different point of view, they were able to use common sense, insight and humanity to deal with each other although what they really wanted was to go home and be with their family or went in their own way since they each have their own problems and issues on their life.  I also applaud the use of outside condition, the hot weather to show tension and the rain to indicate solemnity, calmness and the time to ponder on things, on issues the men were facing and how it reflected on who they are.

It was really an exciting and edge of your seat drama since we can feel the tension, we also question ourselves, we reflect on things when we are faced with the same situation, if we are in the same dilemma. We ask ourselves, ‘With whom I can relate to?” “Am I someone who just wanted things to just pass by or done with without regards to the consequences of my decision or actions?” “If I’m at that same situation, might I think the same as these men?” “Would I consider myself a man of integrity?” “Am I affected by prejudice?” If we are to be honest with these questions we can say that we all have imperfections but we may all want to be right in our view and to do the right thing. However really, even if we don’t want to be swayed with other opinions and wanted to be firm with ours but surely we still are in one way or another be affected by others views, our need to belong and our need to feel important.

The American system despite its faults and the fault of people acting as jurors was shown here excellently as being something that gives importance to reasonable doubts, to a decision of whether to consider an accused guilty or not guilty. It’s just funny to see grown men who were at the start of the movie seemed to be very convinced that they are right and the kid was guilty but eventually changed their convictions because eventually they have seen that there is a reasonable doubt, a possibility that the kid was not guilty. For me, the culmination of the film really was exciting especially when the tide was turned and only one remained voting not guilty, now he was the one insisting that it was his right and now he had to defend why he voted guilty and that he won’t be intimidated.  It seemed that he really was firm on his decision but the truth was he only insisted on his vote of not guilty because he was angry with his son, this only showed that we all have our own idiosyncrasies, our own prejudices, our own dilemma that affects our mind, our decisions, our attitudes and behavior.

I liked the last part of the movie when despite differences and heated arguments, the man who at the start of the movie voted not guilty still had managed to show kindness to the last man who voted guilty. At the movie they were the very ones that showed two very distinct and opposing personalities, there was even a scene where he accused the other one of being a sadist but I guessed he finally was able to understand that he was just like that because of his guilt and anger towards his son. I can say that it is very easy for us to judge other people but we really have to dig deeper to understand them and when it comes to someone else’s life, we should take time and effort to really know the truth when it is in our hand to do so even if it will mean discomfort or challenge for us.

My Journey to Writing

It’s 2’o clock in the morning and I’m still awake. Why? It’s because I’m thinking about how to be a writer maybe just by starting a blog. When I was in high school and college, I have never joined any clubs or our school’s newsletter. I don’t have the guts and I always thought that joining these clubs was costly – for someone like me who was just able to attend high school in an exclusive catholic school because I happened to have a kind teacher when I was in elementary who applied me as a scholar. Thankfully I passed the test although it’s just for a partial scholarship. My mother had to work hard and usually plead to the school’s administrator to allow partial payment of my tuition fees so that I can take an exam. It helped maybe that I’m an avid reader of books since I was 6 years old that I was able to pass my way through college.

I can’t say I’m that studious but I love to learn and read. When I was in kindergarten since we don’t have the means to buy books, I used to go to another town walking just to borrow books from a foundation there. I loved reading about anything but usually since I was still a child I loved fairy tale stories, I’ve read about Cinderella, Snow White, Little Red Riding Hood, Ugly Duckling maybe because they brought me to a fantasy world where I am the lead character. My favorite at that time was Cinderella and Ugly Duckling since I felt that these characters were me. I mean I’m poor and I’m not pretty and I want to be beautiful and rich and to find someone someday who will love me and take me to a place I’ve never been. When I was not able to read these books, I turned to comics and when I read I’m oblivious to the world around me and that the time had passed by. Aside from reading, I loved watching movies, at that time when I was in kindergarten and since we are poor we have no television. I used to go to a neighbor’s house that allowed children to watch television on their house (the TV was black and white). It was the time where Superman was the rage, Christopher Reeve was my hero and my first crush and Wonder Woman was me.  I can also go on many hours straight watching different movies (I still do!) and since in our town where movie houses at that time offered two movies for one ticket and you can stay inside the movie house as long as you want, and because my grandmother will usually bring me along (despite being poor this is the one thing that we both enjoyed together and she finds ways to pay for the ticket) I was able to watch a lot of action movies, her favorite was Fernando Poe, Jr. (the Action King in the Philippine Movies) while my favorite was Lito Lapid. If I can’t watch movie or read books or comics I resorted to listening to the radio about series or dramas.

I think love for reading runs in my blood since my father and mother were readers but usually they read things that are not worthwhile for me. They have a different taste but they loved reading. They didn’t teach me to read or even encouraged me to read but they allowed me to read even though I’m the eldest and had responsibilities in our house especially on taking care of my two brothers and my sister. They didn’t taught me anything since they were not able to even graduate from elementary, they can be what you call “no read, no write”  in a sense that they have no finesse, were not elegant or knowledgeable but they do know how to write at least their names since I think they are still smart and they do know how to read even if they lacked education. When I was in high school I have to study hard to maintain my grades, I have no money to buy books so I was always in our library, I have to walk all the way to the third floor just to reach it and I usually am the last to get out of the library. If we really needed to have our own book, I have to save money from the very small cash reserved for my lunch (I have to resort to eating a five peso worth of spaghetti every lunch time) just to buy the needed book. When we needed to do assignments and type them using a typewriter (computers were not invented then) and since I don’t have a typewriter, I have to do the assignments of my classmate/friend so that I could borrow her typewriter. It’s not easy but I did graduate (despite experiencing being bullied but that’s another story altogether). I can’t say I enjoyed my high school life but I learned a lot at that school especially in Math and Science because when I was in college I’ve aced these minor subjects.

My dream was to be a teacher because my kindergarten teacher was kind to me and she was my idol so I thought, “Hey! I want to be a teacher.” However, because of my high school classmates who bullied me I changed my mind and chose to take Management instead. I thought, “I don’t want to teach those kinds of students.” When I graduated from high school after passing our NCEE, I thought I can study in a University. I wanted to study in the University of the Philippines (our country’s state University) but I thought it will be hard for my mother since it will be costly, I have to have money for dormitory, money for books, money for allowance and transportation and even if I became a scholar it would not be enough so I stayed in our town and studied in a local college. I wanted to study in another school but since their entrance exam fee was higher than the other school, I’ve chosen the other one instead. Thankfully I passed and since they offered a discount if you reach a certain grade I was able to benefit on that. In college, I’ve joined only book lovers club so that I could borrow books. I read fiction, mostly romance novels and still I’m usually at the library, my taste on books changed since I have to learn about Management, I resorted to photocopying the Executive Digest and our books so that I can read them. Here, I can say that I have enjoyed learning, although I have to resort to working while studying just to finish college.  My favorite subject at that time was Psychology, here I have to write essays to pass, and thankfully I did. I don’t know but I enjoyed listening to my teachers (except when they were really boring and really harsh).

When I graduated from college and had found a job, I took up Master of Business Administration (MBA), here my classmates were my professor (the one who gave me a very low grade – the only low grade I had when I was in college), professionals and managers and they were rich. Since I don’t have a computer and I have limited budget because I’m a bread winner, I have to resort on doing some of my classmate’s assignment or the assignment of the daughter of one of my classmates so that I can borrow their computer or they would pay me (which is good since it helped augment my allowance). I have enjoyed it since I’m learning new and more advanced things but regretfully I was not able to finish it because of family problems (this is another story altogether again).

And now, here I am, after needing to do freelance work, I’ve found out that there are many work available for writers but I can’t apply to them because I have no experience, nothing to show for it and I have to learn how to do it. Not only because I have to earn but because it piqued my interest, I mean I love reading, I love words, I love talking to people about things, my experiences, ideas, dreams, I love listening to their stories so it would be natural that I would love to write. Right? Nope. It’s not natural to me, what is natural to me is to talk about things, not to write but then again, it should be easy since it involves words. Right? No again. I don’t feel confident at this, I mean, when I read books I admire these writers, they are very creative, they used words I’ve never heard of, they are very talented, they are gifted and I think I don’t have those things. I mean where did they get their ideas from? I really envy those people who are very creative, who have the talent I don’t have, like a friend who is a painter/illustrator, he creates new things, original things which I’m not sure I am able to do when it comes to writing. However, I do appreciate art, music and books. I love the classics, I love the 80’s music, I love old movies and suspense-thrillers but I also love action, drama, comedy especially romantic comedy. I love reading fiction, self-help books, management and financial books. I just hope that these loves can be used to turn me into a good writer, I didn’t have to be a great writer but well, it’s not bad if I’ll be. Now, I did this blog, my very first blog, I don’t know if anyone will read it but I hope someone will. It is long but I guess it will be a start of a long but I hope not arduous journey to writing.